Nice -- Wells Fargo put up a new sign in Raleigh to prepare for paying me $1 million a month.
In time for Christmas, Wells Fargo sent me a unilateral notice that they’re requiring binding arbitration starting February 15.
As you know, mandatory binding arbitration means you can’t sue them. I’ve never sued anyone but hey, fair’s fair!
Consumer Reports and others have long criticized such provisions as unfair to consumers, primarily because they’re one-sided — if you want to use or keep using the company’s service, you have no choice but to agree to the terms.
But now two can play that game!
Wells Fargo, starting January 1, 2012, you’re going to pay me $1 million every month. You’ll deposit it into my checking account by 12:01 AM on the first of each month — don’t worry, you already know the account number.
I am thrilled to report that this new policy is directly aligned with your corporate vision statement: “We want to satisfy all our customers’ financial needs and help them succeed financially.” I mean, yeah, at $12 million a year, you sure will be!
This’ll continue in perpetuity, by the way, with annual increases for inflation based on the Consumer Price Index (CPI). Also, you agree to give me a ride to and from work every day via one of your reproduction Wells Fargo stagecoaches. I’ll ride shotgun!
If you fail to comply with these new policies, I get to garnish Chairman & CEO John G. Stumpf‘s paycheck. Sorry, John! But I know you’d agree with this, because you’re a man of your unilateral word! After all, you wrote, “Integrity is not a commodity. It’s the most rare and precious of personal attributes. It is the core of a person’s — and a company’s — reputation.” Yup!
If you fail to decline this change in terms via certified mail by December 31, 2011, I assume you’ve accepted my amended consumer agreement. Thanks — I’m looking forward to that extra million dollars a month.
Anyone want to join me? Post your demands in the comments below!
Image credit: Karl Sakas
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If I do not receive a bonus $10 million payment on the anniversary date of our customer relationship, you agree to relinquish possession of your operations center in Minneapolis, MN. Failure to indicate in writing that you do not agree with this change shall indicate acceptance of same.
Thanks, Jen! During my freshman orientation at William & Mary, the college president asked the assembled students if we’d commit to achieving great things. Then he said, “As a former lawyer — by your silence, I infer your assent.”
Thanks for explaining this, Karl–I’m not at my usual mailing address, and so failed to receive this notice. Wells Fargo just made the decision for me to close my account with them and open one with a local Mississippi bank (Mississippi only has local banks).
DONE.
I miss TD Bank (nee Commerce Bank) in New Jersey — open seven days a week. I hate that every bank in North Carolina is closed after noon on Saturday and all day Sunday. If TD Bank moved to Raleigh, I’d switch back in a heartbeat.
We bailed to a credit union and haven’t looked back. After BofA’s $5 debit fee threat we knew it was time to go.
I like your idea.
Thanks for sharing, Chelsea — it’s clear that credit unions are better-aligned with their members’ needs than banks.
I’m not planning to close my bank accounts, but — thanks to my parents — I’ve been a satisfied credit union member since I was just a few years old.
Fantastic! It shows how ridiculous and unfair Wells Fargo’s and Chase’s new customer “agreements” are. The problem is that only they decide what we are agreeing to. We’re also closing our bank accounts and going to a credit union. Vote with your pocketbook, because that is the only thing the banks will hear.
Thanks, Terri — I’m sure the credit union will be glad to accept your deposit!