In time for Christmas, Wells Fargo sent me a unilateral notice that they’re requiring binding arbitration starting February 15.
As you know, mandatory binding arbitration means you can’t sue them. I’ve never sued anyone but hey, fair’s fair!
Consumer Reports and others have long criticized such provisions as unfair to consumers, primarily because they’re one-sided — if you want to use or keep using the company’s service, you have no choice but to agree to the terms.
But now two can play that game!
Wells Fargo, starting January 1, 2012, you’re going to pay me $1 million every month. You’ll deposit it into my checking account by 12:01 AM on the first of each month — don’t worry, you already know the account number.
I am thrilled to report that this new policy is directly aligned with your corporate vision statement: “We want to satisfy all our customers’ financial needs and help them succeed financially.” I mean, yeah, at $12 million a year, you sure will be!
This’ll continue in perpetuity, by the way, with annual increases for inflation based on the Consumer Price Index (CPI). Also, you agree to give me a ride to and from work every day via one of your reproduction Wells Fargo stagecoaches. I’ll ride shotgun!
If you fail to comply with these new policies, I get to garnish Chairman & CEO John G. Stumpf‘s paycheck. Sorry, John! But I know you’d agree with this, because you’re a man of your unilateral word! After all, you wrote, “Integrity is not a commodity. It’s the most rare and precious of personal attributes. It is the core of a person’s — and a company’s — reputation.” Yup!
If you fail to decline this change in terms via certified mail by December 31, 2011, I assume you’ve accepted my amended consumer agreement. Thanks — I’m looking forward to that extra million dollars a month.
Anyone want to join me? Post your demands in the comments below!
Image credit: Karl Sakas